there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize