it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
