I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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