i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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