I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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