I just cut my nipple shaving
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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