Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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