when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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