So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
