I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Randomize
