Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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