Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
