So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
