So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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