She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
