Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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