dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
