just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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