idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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