If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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