Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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