who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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