I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
