Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
