The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
