Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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