how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
