I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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