I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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