i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
