U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
