meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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