Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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