First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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