first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
