i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
