There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
