I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
