we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
