Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
