Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
