I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
