Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
