ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
