Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
