she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
