my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
