my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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