how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
