ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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