I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
