I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
