I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
