so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
