watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
