i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
