upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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