the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
