So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
