So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
